(Comments please. :D)
I WANT TO TELL YOU that I'm not all right. But I can't. I have to be strong. Keep strong. For the both of us. If only I could, I'd go back. Back to when I first laid eyes on you, and you smiled back at me. Your braces were pink, almost the same color as your cheeks.
I want to go back to when your dark-brown locks moved through my fingers and your scent made me swoon with its lovely rosy air. Back to that very moment when you first told me you liked me, and I told you the same. Back to when you first told me we'd always be together even if we'd only been with each other for just a few days. Immature? We were, we still are. But innocent? I guess, things have changed in such a short time.
I want to go back to that day. Maybe, I could've let my doubts take over me, so we wouldn't be where we are right now. But your eyes, your enchanting brown eyes. Just by looking at them, I had forgotten everything, and that was the end of all the voices fighting in my head. There was a raucous downstairs, the floorboards were vibrating, the air was that of alcohol, but I just kept staring into your eyes. And the screams and shouts from a floor below flew into the air as fireworks crackling in the starry sky.
I want to forget. To forget the feeling of your supple skin as it rubbed against mine. To forget the feeling of your moist lips as it filled me with desire. To forget what it's like to be in a world that seemed too beautiful to be our own. To forget what it was like to let go of your own self and let the feeling of forever embrace you. I just want to forget everything so that it'd seem like nothing happened. But we both know that's not possible. The days will go by, the weeks, the months, but we'll only be reminded of it more and more.
I want to turn back now, but I can't, not with you that way. Your eyes don't have the same glimmer as it did before. And as they stare into mine, I'm reminded of what I've done. I don't think I can ever live with myself to think about it, but I can't leave you alone. That's the only thing I'm sure of, and I promise you that. I won't leave you.
I want to stay here forever because I'm not too sure about what happens next. All I want to do is be in this moment with you and hope everything will come to pass.
I want to listen to your heart, listen to its soft beating beneath your swollen chest. Beating, telling me of all your loneliness, your desires, your woes, your reliefs. But right now, all I hear is mine. They sound like hard drums, drowning out all my emotions but fear. It's slowly scaring away any consolations I have left. I don't want you to hear it. You're the only thing I think of to make me happy again, and I don't want you to go away. I don't want you to die inside because I am.
"You okay?"
"Yeah."
"Seem so... silent today."
"You too..."
I want to tell you that I won't be all right. But I can't. I look at you as we both lie here, your long, shiny hair on my chest, my hands resting on your stomach. The September sun shining, glowing on your beautiful figure, so full of life. And I worry what happens next.
I want you to tell me you'll be all right because if you won't, I don't think I'll ever be. And we'll be as miserable as we were when we weren't together to begin with. But your petite hands are clasping mine, and it's as if I feel you touching my soul, telling me we'll get out of this alive. And I pray we do.
"Isn't the sunset beautiful?"
"I wouldn't know."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't want to look at it."
"Hmm?"
"It's so bright when you look at it. Glaring almost. And the sky. It's just darkness as it goes down."
"Well, that's how it is."
"I'd rather keep looking at you."
"I like doing this."
"Doing what?"
"Sharing the silence."
"That's deep."
"Really?"
"Yeah..."
You have to tell me you're all right because I don't think I can do this. If I can just tell you the truth, I'd cry right now. But I don't want you to worry. Because if you do, I'll break down even more. I'm holding my tears because I don't want them to cloud my view. I have to see your beautiful brown eyes because it's the only thing that keeps me calm, the only thing that's keeping me calm. Your eyes that attracted me the first time we met. Your eyes that assured me we'd be all right when I first told you about this.
You have to tell me you'll hold my hand through this. I don't know where we're going, and I'd be lost in this endless tunnel without you by my side. I know you don't know your way either, but at least I'd be comforted by the fact that I won't be going through this with someone else who won't understand me as much as you do, with someone else who'd care less about me.
You have to tell me you're sorry for what you did. I don't know what came over me when I let you come close, but why I didn't pull back I still wonder. When you held back my smooth hair and breathed on me with your warm air, I guess I just let all my thoughts go. You knew what was happening, you knew, but it was too good to resist, wasn't it? It was, I know. Three months ago, I wished that that beautiful moment would never end. Now, I just wish we never went through it at all.
You have to tell me you'll forgive me. I can feel your pain though you hide it. I didn't know what I was thinking when I brought you with me. Why I didn't let you stay back was, I guess, my fault. It was too much for everyone to handle, and I was stupid enough to let you be there. Now, you twitch every time you try to move, and my heart hurts. And when I see the blue in your eyes, it just pains me even more, but I still smile. I smile because it just reminds me of what you're willing to do. When you took those blows for me, I just knew how much you actually cared.
You have to tell me you're stupid. Why you smiled like that even as you looked at me all bruised I just can't understand. We're all alone now. No one to turn to. And you already knew that at that very moment, but you still smiled. And my tears dropped on your cheeks as I looked down on you, you laid on my lap as I knelt on the floor.
You have to tell me that we can get through this, that we can be happy again like we once were.
You have to tell me I can do this. I'm scared. I'm really scared, and I don't know if I really can. We're too young. We barely know anything. And we're all alone. Alone. The thought just scares me so much. I think I'm dying inside. Only you are giving me enough hope, and if you leave me now, I don't know what I'm going to do. I hope you don't, but if you do, I guess I can't blame you. But I really hope you don't.
"Summer."
"What?"
"March. We graduate on March."
"And summer?"
"After that, it'd be our last summer."
"Yeah."
You have to tell me you'll be all right because I can't stand it anymore. My head rests on your strong, chest, and I hear your heart beating. I feel it shaking my whole body, giving me life. And it scares me deep inside to know what's happening. I can't live this way for the both of us. It's tearing me apart.
I have to tell you I'm not all right. And I don't know where we're going, but if you'll be here with me, I think I can muster enough strength to do this. I feel the warmth of your hands holding my own, and I hope it's you telling me you won't leave me alone. I don't know how and I don't why but all I'm sure of is that I LOVE YOU.
"I really do."
"What?"
"I do."
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