For those who lost the list of books:

In Cold Blood by Truman Capote

-- About murder

-- Adapted into a 1967 film

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

-- Pulitzer Prize for Fiction

-- About a transexual

-- Most recent book

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

-- A bit weird but a good book

-- Adapted into a 1970 film

The Cider House Rules by John Irving

-- Abortion, Orphans, Sex

-- Adapted into a 1999 film

The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers

-- About a deaf man

-- Adapted into a 1968 film

The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

-- The longest but makes for good conversations

-- About an architect

-- Adapted into a 1949 film

Slaughterhouse-five by Kurt Vonnegut

-- Anti-war science fiction film

-- Adapted into a 1979 film

For those who lost the list of books:

In Cold Blood by Truman Capote

-- About murder

-- Adapted into a 1967 film

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

-- Pulitzer Prize for Fiction

-- About a transexual

-- Most recent book

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

-- A bit weird but a good book

-- Adapted into a 1970 film

The Cider House Rules by John Irving

-- Abortion, Orphans, Sex

-- Adapted into a 1999 film

The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers

-- About a deaf man

-- Adapted into a 1968 film

The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

-- The longest but makes for good conversations

-- About an architect

-- Adapted into a 1949 film

Slaughterhouse-five by Kurt Vonnegut

-- Anti-war science fiction film

-- Adapted into a 1979 film

For those who lost the list of books:

In Cold Blood by Truman Capote

-- About murder

-- Adapted into a 1967 film

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

-- Pulitzer Prize for Fiction

-- About a transexual

-- Most recent book

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

-- A bit weird but a good book

-- Adapted into a 1970 film

The Cider House Rules by John Irving

-- Abortion, Orphans, Sex

-- Adapted into a 1999 film

The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers

-- About a deaf man

-- Adapted into a 1968 film

The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

-- The longest but makes for good conversations

-- About an architect

-- Adapted into a 1949 film

Slaughterhouse-five by Kurt Vonnegut

-- Anti-war science fiction film

-- Adapted into a 1979 film

For those who lost the list of books:

In Cold Blood by Truman Capote

-- About murder

-- Adapted into a 1967 film

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

-- Pulitzer Prize for Fiction

-- About a transexual

-- Most recent book

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

-- A bit weird but a good book

-- Adapted into a 1970 film

The Cider House Rules by John Irving

-- Abortion, Orphans, Sex

-- Adapted into a 1999 film

The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers

-- About a deaf man

-- Adapted into a 1968 film

The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

-- The longest but makes for good conversations

-- About an architect

-- Adapted into a 1949 film

Slaughterhouse-five by Kurt Vonnegut

-- Anti-war science fiction film

-- Adapted into a 1979 film

Cry

I cry for a world where the carefree maya bird flies free through open, blue skies filled with crystals and wisps of clouds, soaring above magnificent green fields and blue seas. A sky where it can fly without worrying about gunshots and fire shooting them down and taking away their freedom and their lives and all their little chicks, who have yet to learn to fly.

I cry for a world where the vulnerable tarsier can finally take a leap of faith and move past its slow and boring soliloquy, taking on bigger strides from tree to tree. For its wide eyes can already see all the cunning flashes and pretentious parasites, but they choose not to move in fear, in silence. A spirit enlivened, a force enthusiastic in that world, and it shall wake the tarsier from its slothful slumber to move undaunted, unpressed, unstopped.

I cry for a world where the majestic whale shark can make a home in waters blue and clear, where scum and waste haven't polluted its pristine habitat. Waters where they can move out and explore the depths of the sea, where they can call out in deep booming sounds and be not afraid against the currents and muck that threaten it.

I cry for a world where the stern rugged water buffalos can move through rice paddies without worrying about whips and lashes, where it can move in its own industrious pace and not be forced to do so, where its horns find no enemy to attack and strike. A field so green that it can enjoy the fruits of its own labor, the wheat of its own sweat and blood. A field where no one else can threaten to steal and take it.

I cry for a world where the eagle proves not to be a senseless predator but a leader of the world below, flying out for all to see not only its bold appearance but its heroic flight. Whether the rains and thunder come, whether the sun shines too hot, a sonorous figure who not only stands as a monument of faith but flies out to where he is needed.

I cry. I cry.

I cry for a world of our own. A world for all of us to live and be free and be happy. A world so beautiful nothing else can compare, nothing else can dismantle. Pristine. Beautiful. Wondrous. I cry. I cry.

Anger Poems II: I'll Burn You at the Stake

I'll burn you at the stake

Damn sure, I'll make you cry

You've made a big mistake

Now, you've just got to die

Some witches need just burning

But you deserve much more

(And please, your stench is turning

Even all the berries sore)

Why so, then you may ask

But I'll just snicker off

Then I'll head on to my task

(Go 'head and just f*** off)

First, with my knife, I'd stab you

Making sure the pain lingers

Then by the hand, I'll grab you

And cut off all your fingers

I'll feed your legs to cheetahs

And make them spit it out

Then I'll dice them up in pieces

And feed them to your mouth

I'll get some spicy peppers

And place them in your eyes

They'll burn like nasty heifers

And I won't hear your cries

In a cauldron, go your bones

And in there, they shall seethe

Then I'll get some dirty stones

And throw them at your teeth

And in a pit, the flames, I'll set

Oh, that of crackling red!

(Looking back, don't you regret

All the s*** you said?)

I'll add some extra charcoal

So you come out extra dark

Then, I'll rip your callous soul

And brand it with my mark

You nasty bastard with the dirty skin

Your time has finally come

Your warts and brainless head is in

Hell craves and hungers some

I'll place the stake in the flaming pit

And laugh out in big guffaws

(That's what you get for being s***

And making useless flaws)

Anger Poems I: Nursery Rants

You crazy bitch

You make me itch

I want to hit your head.

You make me cry

Oh please, just die

I really want you dead.

But first of all

I have to call

That I am always right.

I fell in deep

But you, asleep

Left me alone in plight.

You piece of shit

Didn't care a bit

So I just kept my calm.

Thought things were cool

But slap my drool

You had me in your palm.

Like marionettes

In stocking nets

You held my string up tight.

You tugged and pulled

You had me fooled

To make me think you're right.

But when my peers

Just laughed in tears

I knew what had been called.

'Cause you were wrong

You crappy thong

I wish you had been mauled.

But here you turn

The messy urn

And pour the sand on me.

I'm but a voice

But still your choice

Was 'ment me to a tree.

But then all saw

Your crazy flaw

Cassandra laughed her head.

My tears of joy

Caused you your ploy

That made your feelings red.

Time came to pass

Your silly ass

And all I thought was fine.

But there you went

You hit my vent

And really drew the line.

You dug your dike

And acted like

I really don't exist.

Well, fine by me

Though not my glee

To talk, I did resist.

But fate was wise

Its many tries

Did put us in one roof.

I learned from all

You had your fall

Don't want to catch your hoof.

So I did lay

All I could say

To bring the ball up top.

You little snooze

You made us lose

It turned into a flop.

Again I tried

I almost died

But all was not yet lost.

So I did yelp

And with some help

The journey, fin'lly crossed.

But you the down

Just kept your frown

And acted like a queen.

With glaring eyes

You win the prize

Like no one's ever seen.

You go around

Your head, a crown

With words for me like crap

You little whore

Right on my door

You're setting up a trap

But guess again

You little hen

I'm not some dumbass mule.

I will not care

A single hair

I also can be cruel.

Now I await

When all my hate

Will end as I have set

I have the cask

Now I just ask

Oh, will you just die yet?

***

intro: for english class, we're required to write six poems.

since I have nothing to do with my life, and I need to rant on some people, I shall be ranting in poem. isn't that cool?

this is my first. I started things shallow.

try reciting it in a certain rhythm... almost like a nursery rhyme.

it'll sound funny. :D

so i plan to go darker from here on...

for my last blog, i'll just copy-paste a poem i made over the summer.

I never got to post it since it's really... umm... intense. and I didn't really feel like showing the world that other side at that time. but here's the avenue to do it...

The Probable Cause to Your Probable Execution

Live

DAY 32

Wish me luck.

My audition's tonight.

My voice is a bit rough, but I think I can use that to my advantage.

Apparently, I'm trying out in front of a live audience.

So we'll see.

I Want to Tell You I Love You (The Short Story)

(Comments please. :D)

I WANT TO TELL YOU that I'm not all right. But I can't. I have to be strong. Keep strong. For the both of us. If only I could, I'd go back. Back to when I first laid eyes on you, and you smiled back at me. Your braces were pink, almost the same color as your cheeks.

I want to go back to when your dark-brown locks moved through my fingers and your scent made me swoon with its lovely rosy air. Back to that very moment when you first told me you liked me, and I told you the same. Back to when you first told me we'd always be together even if we'd only been with each other for just a few days. Immature? We were, we still are. But innocent? I guess, things have changed in such a short time.

I want to go back to that day. Maybe, I could've let my doubts take over me, so we wouldn't be where we are right now. But your eyes, your enchanting brown eyes. Just by looking at them, I had forgotten everything, and that was the end of all the voices fighting in my head. There was a raucous downstairs, the floorboards were vibrating, the air was that of alcohol, but I just kept staring into your eyes. And the screams and shouts from a floor below flew into the air as fireworks crackling in the starry sky.

I want to forget. To forget the feeling of your supple skin as it rubbed against mine. To forget the feeling of your moist lips as it filled me with desire. To forget what it's like to be in a world that seemed too beautiful to be our own. To forget what it was like to let go of your own self and let the feeling of forever embrace you. I just want to forget everything so that it'd seem like nothing happened. But we both know that's not possible. The days will go by, the weeks, the months, but we'll only be reminded of it more and more.

I want to turn back now, but I can't, not with you that way. Your eyes don't have the same glimmer as it did before. And as they stare into mine, I'm reminded of what I've done. I don't think I can ever live with myself to think about it, but I can't leave you alone. That's the only thing I'm sure of, and I promise you that. I won't leave you.

I want to stay here forever because I'm not too sure about what happens next. All I want to do is be in this moment with you and hope everything will come to pass.

I want to listen to your heart, listen to its soft beating beneath your swollen chest. Beating, telling me of all your loneliness, your desires, your woes, your reliefs. But right now, all I hear is mine. They sound like hard drums, drowning out all my emotions but fear. It's slowly scaring away any consolations I have left. I don't want you to hear it. You're the only thing I think of to make me happy again, and I don't want you to go away. I don't want you to die inside because I am.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Seem so... silent today."

"You too..."

I want to tell you that I won't be all right. But I can't. I look at you as we both lie here, your long, shiny hair on my chest, my hands resting on your stomach. The September sun shining, glowing on your beautiful figure, so full of life. And I worry what happens next.

I want you to tell me you'll be all right because if you won't, I don't think I'll ever be. And we'll be as miserable as we were when we weren't together to begin with. But your petite hands are clasping mine, and it's as if I feel you touching my soul, telling me we'll get out of this alive. And I pray we do.

"Isn't the sunset beautiful?"

"I wouldn't know."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to look at it."

"Hmm?"

"It's so bright when you look at it. Glaring almost. And the sky. It's just darkness as it goes down."

"Well, that's how it is."

"I'd rather keep looking at you."

"I like doing this."

"Doing what?"

"Sharing the silence."

"That's deep."

"Really?"

"Yeah..."

You have to tell me you're all right because I don't think I can do this. If I can just tell you the truth, I'd cry right now. But I don't want you to worry. Because if you do, I'll break down even more. I'm holding my tears because I don't want them to cloud my view. I have to see your beautiful brown eyes because it's the only thing that keeps me calm, the only thing that's keeping me calm. Your eyes that attracted me the first time we met. Your eyes that assured me we'd be all right when I first told you about this.

You have to tell me you'll hold my hand through this. I don't know where we're going, and I'd be lost in this endless tunnel without you by my side. I know you don't know your way either, but at least I'd be comforted by the fact that I won't be going through this with someone else who won't understand me as much as you do, with someone else who'd care less about me.

You have to tell me you're sorry for what you did. I don't know what came over me when I let you come close, but why I didn't pull back I still wonder. When you held back my smooth hair and breathed on me with your warm air, I guess I just let all my thoughts go. You knew what was happening, you knew, but it was too good to resist, wasn't it? It was, I know. Three months ago, I wished that that beautiful moment would never end. Now, I just wish we never went through it at all.

You have to tell me you'll forgive me. I can feel your pain though you hide it. I didn't know what I was thinking when I brought you with me. Why I didn't let you stay back was, I guess, my fault. It was too much for everyone to handle, and I was stupid enough to let you be there. Now, you twitch every time you try to move, and my heart hurts. And when I see the blue in your eyes, it just pains me even more, but I still smile. I smile because it just reminds me of what you're willing to do. When you took those blows for me, I just knew how much you actually cared.

You have to tell me you're stupid. Why you smiled like that even as you looked at me all bruised I just can't understand. We're all alone now. No one to turn to. And you already knew that at that very moment, but you still smiled. And my tears dropped on your cheeks as I looked down on you, you laid on my lap as I knelt on the floor.

You have to tell me that we can get through this, that we can be happy again like we once were.

You have to tell me I can do this. I'm scared. I'm really scared, and I don't know if I really can. We're too young. We barely know anything. And we're all alone. Alone. The thought just scares me so much. I think I'm dying inside. Only you are giving me enough hope, and if you leave me now, I don't know what I'm going to do. I hope you don't, but if you do, I guess I can't blame you. But I really hope you don't.

"Summer."

"What?"

"March. We graduate on March."

"And summer?"

"After that, it'd be our last summer."

"Yeah."

You have to tell me you'll be all right because I can't stand it anymore. My head rests on your strong, chest, and I hear your heart beating. I feel it shaking my whole body, giving me life. And it scares me deep inside to know what's happening. I can't live this way for the both of us. It's tearing me apart.

I have to tell you I'm not all right. And I don't know where we're going, but if you'll be here with me, I think I can muster enough strength to do this. I feel the warmth of your hands holding my own, and I hope it's you telling me you won't leave me alone. I don't know how and I don't why but all I'm sure of is that I LOVE YOU.

"I really do."

"What?"

"I do."

Hospital

DAY 31

Missed me?

I just got home from the hospital.

God. How long has it been? Six days?

It was hell in there. So white. So clean. Yet so dirty. You could feel the germs everywhere. And i'm not germophobic.

And well... it was lonely.

Well... of course, people visited.

Well, not really. Just Jenna, the kids, Chris and Brian.

The normal family.

Why I was in there?

Don't ask. All I know is that I passed out at work, and when I woke up I was in those unnerving white clothes on some hospital bed.

It got boring. I'm not much of a TV person, so I passed the time playing with the bed's remote control.

They kept giving me all these drugs.

(Why do I call medicines drugs? So morbid.)

I think I was high for most of my stay. Practically that strong. It's like... weed only not.

At one point, I think I was flirting with the nurse, which is not me.

She thought it was cute though. She told me when I woke up the next day.

My room was in the side of the hospital where you can see the sun the whole day.

It was glaring. I was unlucky enough not to have curtain handles, hence no curtains. Whoopee.

For six whole days I watched the sun rise and stay and set.

Really bright... and hot too. Burning almost. Like summer, only not.

Oh. And something strange happened. Funny actually.

Well, I like sleeping under the covers, see. So while I was half-asleep, this family suddenly came in. And then I heard this woman start crying talking about how she had so much plans for me and all. I was like... WHUT?

I realized after a few seconds that she thought I was her son, and that I was dead. I didn't move though, pretended to be asleep. I imagine it would give her a heart attack if her "son" rose from the dead. I didn't know what to do actually. It was a good thing the vampire nurse came to prick some blood off my finger. Told the lady she was in the wrong room, and then there was this awkward aura in the whole place till she left.

When she closed the door, I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt.

And the nurse was laughing too, though a bit more quietly.

The people from the cafe sent me a cake. They know which one I love.

I think I would've enjoyed their presence more, but I guess they're too busy to come by, so I don't really mind.

I did get this one gift though.

It was this music box thing with some kind of English--or was that Russian--guard guy with the big black woolly head thing inside it. Kinda funny looking actually. But the music was soft, tender. Reminded me off... well, I don't know really. But it calms me down.

That tingly feeling and all...

Well, I was released just today.

(God. That words sounds so morbid. Released)

Now, I have to reschedule a few stuff. For one, that chat with my college friend. For another, my date. Hehe.

My answering machine has all these messages that need answering. My audition is, apparently, tomorrow. So good luck to me.

Well, if there's one thing I enjoyed in the hospital, it was the peace.

I was able to write a lot more inside... but they all seem empty. I guess there isn't any inspiration in there.

Date

DAY 25

I'm in heaven.

That's all. Sigh....

Temptation

DAY 24

I'm being tempted again.

This time, really bad.

It's not easy. I'm barely making it through.

But I promised myself I wouldn't, and I'm not. I won't

Optimistic news of the day:

I decided to meet up with that college friend who called back.

Coffee. This Friday.

How's that optimistic? I'm going out of the house, and it doesn't involve either the bar, the cafe or the hospital. And for once, I'm actually going to have actual human interaction.

I just wonder. See seemed like he had something important to say...

Late

DAY 23

I just realized my life is worth posting on that FML website.

I overslept today.

I was working on these new pieces. I was on a roll from 11.30pm to 3am.

Like the inspiration kept flowing.

Made me feel alive.

But naturally, that took a toll on my sleep.

I arrived late in work today.

I'd go on talking about how our new manager was bitching this and bitching that, but I'd save it for another day. Bleh. I don't even want to remember his face. I want Anne back, she was a better manager. This guy's just full of it.

But that wasn't the last of it.

I mixed up a couple of orders in my drowsiness... And this one bitchy customer went rattling and rattling on how that screwed her diet and how blah and blah.

It's a good thing her husband was more... calm about it.

Geez. People.

Can I get a break?

I should've called in sick.

One thing interested me though.

There was this girl reading a book. I dunno why, but it seemed like more inspiration to me.

Was it her face? Was it the natural lighting from the sun outside? Was it the book?

I dunno.

I should post something like:

Today, my bitchy manager and this bitchy customer bitched on me. FML.

Positive

DAY 22

My psychologist is telling me I should be more positive...

which is more than anything I can say about my life.

Gah. Scratch that.

She says I'm too emo and negative and stuff, which I admit is true, but...

Well, she wants me to "look at the glass as half-full," as she puts it.

Probably because I was ranting to her about weddings, which are apparently "my favorite event ever! oh my god!"

If it weren't good for my "emotional health," I guess I wouldn't be following her... but then it is. So okay. I'm giving it a try.

Something positive for today:

SHE CALLED BACK!

I'm so giddy right now! If you could just see me... Haha!

I guess I'm booked for Thursday night? *wink*

Weddings

DAY 21

Great! Another wedding. (note: sarcasm)

Another reason for "true bliss" and "eternal joy" to go floating around the air.

Another reason for all those other married couples who always seem to get on your nerves to be all plastic, wishing the newlyweds congratulations.

Another reason for separation cases to increase in the country in an alarming rate.

Another reason for money to be wasted on bad-tasting cakes and itchy flowers.

Another reason for all those college classmates to get together and compare their lives outside of a class reunion. Girlfriend/boyfriend this. Job that. Salary this. God!

Do you know how superficial that is? And then to see there's not much of a difference from when they were back at school? Same douchebags, different hairstyles. Yipee!

Another reason to remind you how shitty your life is.

And of course, another reason for your old "buddies" to implicitly tell you, "Your life is shit!"

Exactly the reasons why I hate weddings.

So yes. Yet another college classmate is getting married.

But no. I don't have an invite or anything... I doubt anyone ever remembers me anyway.

In fact, I don't even know who's getting married. Jenna was just telling me 'bout it over lunch today. She heard from someone who heard from someone from my batch.

Apparently, they're a happy couple.

Boohoo.

I hate weddings.

Bar

DAY 20

I went to a bar tonight.

No, I didn't meet HER. She hasn't even replied yet, which makes me worry.

I guess, it's always been a dream of mine to perform for a crowd.

And well, I thought this could be my chance.

Well, I'd been thinking about it since I graduated. But I'd always been too scared to even try. I dunno, stage fright?

I mean, I'm not Grammy performer of the year or anything.

The last time I went on stage was the sixth grade musical, and I puked on the lead character.

Not exactly my proudest moment.

But I have to do it some time.

I mean, I'm going to die anyway, might as well give it a try. Nothing to lose

And if it's not for me, then it isn't...

Besides, someone else other than me--and probably my neighbors--should actually get the chance to hear what I've been writing. I mean, I think they're good enough.

So I'm giving this a shot.

They said they'd call back to audition, and they'll see if they'd want me in.

I hope I get in.

Call

DAY 19

Am I weird? Desperate, maybe?

I hope not.

I'm really, really new to this girl thing.

So I called her a while ago. Her being Amy.

Too sudden? Do I seem to excited

Do I seem stalker-ish?

Well. She didn't answer her phone, so the voice machine picked up.

And I left a message?�Should I not have?

God! I'm freaking out. Panic mode already.

Where's that bro advice when you need it? Frig.

I need to get a friend. Seriously. I need to get a LIFE.

Amy

DAY 18

I've given up my stalker days.

Not that I did more than one day to begin with.

After my not so fortunate incident last week, I gave up on her.

Let's just say I'm too embarrassed to be seen at that park again.

Wouldn't you? Old people, parents and little children starting. I bet they have my face on some kind of virtual poster.

WANTED: STUPID ASSHOLE

Umm. Yeah.

But I guess fate has its ways... or if you could call it fate.

I took the morning shift today, and guess who bought herself some coffee?

Her name's Amy.

Amy. It's so... I dunno. It's just so... beautiful.

Okay... maybe I'm just lovestruck.

She walked in the door. I didn't notice since I was making this cup.

So when I got back to the counter, I saw her, and I wanted to go back.

WANTED: STUPID ASSHOLE

But she was nice... really nice.

She actually recognized me, and not in a bad way.

Well... we hit it off... sorta.

It's not as if your manager would start pestering you to stop being a flirt and get that other customer his cup of coffee. (Mind you, I was not being a flirt!)

Anyway, she gave me her number before she left.

When she shut the door, I was practically doing some weird Backstreet Boy dance imitation. But embarrassment loves me. She came back for her pen.

"Nice move."

I turned red.

Inspiration

DAY 17

I'm writing again.

I can't sulk forever. Well, at least I can't let sulking stop me from doing what I do.

I haven't written a single thing (well, until now) since the day I found out.

Before that, there was some new piece almost everyday.

The feeling was exhilarating. I felt alive. I felt like I was actually making something of actual worth... to the world... to myself.

But the news... I guess it sucked any sort of inspiration from me, seeing as how depressing it was.

But I have to get back on my feet, and this coffee shop isn't enough.

And well... I don't think I can ever let go of that one thing I love.

Answers

DAY 16

Awesome thing happened in work today.

So there was this guy, a customer.

He was a college student.

I noticed he had been there for a long time already.

And he looked pretty irked with what he was doing.

So I came by and offered to refill his cup of water, and maybe ask if he wants another drink.

While I was pouring the water, I noticed he was answering a couple of questions that seemed really familiar. Not that I was spying or anything... but I guess you can say I was.

I suddenly but out the answer. And he looked at me with a "what?!" face.

At that moment, I was like, "Crap! Why'd you do that? That isn't your business."

Anyhow, he looked back at his paper and realized I was right.

(Well of course, I was right.)

Apparently, he's taking the same course I did.

So I offered him some help if he needed it. And he accepted.

Since there weren't any customers anyway, I sat down to help.

When he was about to leave, he slipped me a really good tip.

Awesome, right?

I got me some extra money... Hehe.

Open

DAY 15

My psychiatrist made me drink some kind of calming medicine.

I dropped dead on my bed when I got home.

Things weren't exactly cool.

I told her about Sir Johnny a few days ago.
And she started asking questions, which I wasn't too comfortable answering.

And I think I lost myself too much, started to rant out on her.

Thinking about it now, I guess I was being unfair.

I mean, what else would psychiatrists do anyway?

Then again, I think I deserve a little bit more... I dunno. It just didn't feel right.

I'm not that open yet to her.

Not that I'm really open with anybody.

I guess, I really am a loner. I don't have any a whole lot of friends and all. I don't even have a best friend of sorts, which is quite sad really.

I dunno, I guess it's about time I start talking.

I think I'm going to get her some flowers next week.

Y'know, just to say sorry.

Family

DAY 14

Jenna now calls Sunday family day. So she invited me over to her place. Weeeee.

(Note the sarcasm.)

Not that I don't enjoy seeing her and the kids, but my Sundays are supposed to be lazy. I don't want to have to drag my lazy ass all over everywhere just to get there.

So it was Jenna, her Mr. Perfect, the kids, Brian and I.

I haven't seen Brian in quite some time. Always so busy with work.

Actually... he even brought work with him to Jenna's house.

I had to taunt him to get him to play Monopoly with me and the kids. (But then he went blabbing on about business while we were playing... blah. blah. blah.)

I think this family day thing is just an excuse for Jenna and Chris to get some time free from the kids. It took them an hour just to buy ice cream, which isn't that hard to buy.

Well, I think I owe her anyway. So, what the hell.

And if you are wondering. No, they weren't there.

I'm sure Jenna knows I wouldn't stand it if they were there.

Apparently, we're doing this every week--if possible. Hihihi.

College

DAY 13

Totally unexpected.

A college friend actually wants to meet up with me.

I dunno. I haven't had contact with him in quite some time.

Actually, I haven't had a lot of contact with people in quite some time. Anti-social.

I miss college.

Never had to worry about anything... well, except for passing. But I managed that.

It was carefree and fun, and you didn't really have to deal with "real life" yet.

It just sucks right now.

But hey. No use going back.

But I guess college is the reason I am what I am. How I got to this point in my life.

I never should've wasted all those chances. And what for? For shit.

Anyway, he left a message on the answering machine.

Said he wanted to talk over some coffee. Seemed serious.

I hope he's not using me to kill his self-doubts. I've had enough "I have a better life than you" episodes in my life to deal with.

But why am I being so negative about this?

The effects of being a loner. (I should ask my psychiatrist about this.)

Old

DAY 12

I regret helping Sir Johnny climb the stairs.

Not that he was ungrateful or anything. The old man was actually quite overjoyed he had, A, someone to help him up and, B, someone to chat with.

And I actually enjoyed our little conversation.

Why regret it then?

Because he's an old man. And he had a long life to live.

And he has a wife... someone to grow old with. Someone to be there for him when the frailty of old age comes to get him.

And I don't have any of that. I won't have any of that.

He invited me to eat dinner with him and his wife. But I said no.

When I had brought him to the door, I ran for my apartment. I went to my bed, I cried.

I cried real hard.

I'm dying. And I'm going to die alone.

I won't ever experience what he has, and it scares me. I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to be alone.

Stalker

DAY 11

I guess I was being a bit too stupid.

But I dunno. I needed to see her again.

I was at the park again, waiting, hoping she jogs on Thursdays.

Just like when I first saw her.

I sat on the same bench as last time.

I brought a book and a sandwich. And I went stalker-mode.

God, this is embarrassing.

So I waited. I guess I came too early.

I started reading my book... and I got bored. And she wasn't there.

And I was getting hopeless.

Come to think of it.

It was just real stupid of me to even go there.

Not to mention freaky... for her at least.

It was getting too late, and I was half finish with my chapter and the sandwich.

So I had to get to work.

Now, as I stood up from the bench, this friggin' kid suddenly ran in front of me. And I tripped and fell... on him. And he was crying, crying incessantly... overreacting, actually.

And it was causing a mess in the park, God. People were looking.

I was panicking on the inside 'coz now people might think I was a bully or something. That wasn't doing anything good for my self-esteem, mind you.

First, a stalker. Now, a bully. Shit.

So I was trying to make him shut up, but he just kept going... like the Energizer bunny or something. And I was beginning to look real stupid.

Then a hand suddenly came up from behind me, offered him an ice cream cone.

And he shut up. (Thank the Lord!)

I turned around, and it was her. I friggin' wanted to smack myself on the head.

I was blushing red... not really because she was there, but because I was a big embarrassment. God.

But she... she was smiling. Really innocent and all. Was it for the kid? Or was it for me? I dunno.

Her eyes caught me.

And she said, "You again? Making kids cry this time, aren't ya?"

I just stood there. Smiling. Blushing. Quiet.

I was telling myself to speak up, but I was stupid enough not to.

And she said, "See ya around."

Then she left.

Palm-Face.

I left for work. And all these oldies were staring at me.

I want to tell you I love you...

I WANT TO TELL YOU that I'm not all right. But I can't. I have to be strong. Keep strong. For the both of us. I just want to go back. Back when your beautiful golden-brown locks moved through my fingers and your scent made me swoon with its lovely rosey air. Those carefree days when you'd tell me we'd always be together. I want to listen to your heart, listen to its soft beating beaneath your swollen chest. Beating, telling me of all your loneliness, your desires, your woes, your reliefs. I want to tell you that I won't be all right. But I can't. I look at you as we both lie here, your long, glimmering hair on my chest, my hands clasping yours, resting on your stomach. The September sun shines on your beautiful figure, and I worry what happens next.

I want you to tell me you'll be all right, because if you won't, I don't think I'll ever be, and we'll be as miserable as we were when we weren't together to begin with. But your petite hands are grasping mine, and it's as if I feel you touching my soul, telling me we'll get out of this alive.

You have to tell me you're all right because I don't think I can do this. If I can just tell you the truth, I'd cry right now. But I don't want you to worry. Because if you do, I'll break down even more. I'm holding my tears because I don't want them to cloud my view. I want not your beautiful brown eyes to be hidden from my sight because it's the only thing that keeps me calm, the only thing that's keeping me calm. Your eyes that attracted me the first time we met. Your eyes that told me we'll be all right once we went through our journey. You have to tell me you'll be all right because I can't stand it anymore. My head rests on your strong, caring chest, and I hear your heart beating. I feel it shaking my whole body, giving me life. And it scares me deep inside to know what's happening. I can't live this way for the both of us. It's tearing me apart.

I have to tell you I'm not all right. And I don't know where we're going, but if you'll be beside me, I think I can muster enough strength to do this. I feel the warmth of your hands holding my own, and I hope it's you telling me you won't leave me alone. I don't know how and I don't why but I LOVE YOU.

Sunny

DAY 10

God, I loved the sun today.

It wasn't too hot. So I wasn't sweating like hell or anything.

It was just warm. With that really lovely tingling feeling on your skin.

I ate lunch in an outdoor cafe today.

And the sun was just perfect.

Well, I sank into my seat and went people-watching again.

Guess who I saw?

The girl at the park last week.

I dunno if she still remembers me... or if she even noticed.

She was with some friends. Not that I'd actually come near if she was alone.

There was this guy who shared tables with me.

Well, there weren't anymore empty tables and I still had some chairs on mine, so I let him have it. I wish I didn't. He was really... talkative?

I don't even know him, and he went all about talking about the weirdest things. And there I was, looking stupid, agreeing with stuff I was barely listening to.

Add to that, he was smoking. Oh joy.

The girl left. I didn't even notice.

I wonder if she'll be at the park tomorrow.

The sun was up high when I left.

(And the man seemed disappointed the person he was chatting with had to leave.)

I think I'm already getting used to it.

You know, the thought that...

Coffee

DAY 9

I went back to work today.

I dunno. I signed for 10 days, but I guess I'm back.

I miss the smell of coffee, I guess.

How the beans always seem to smell of fresh, moist soil. The kind that isn't muddy but isn't dry. The kind that reminds you of those beautiful summer days when you'd run in the fields, barefoot with your siblings.

I miss the smell of steam. The kind you'd like to keep wafting in your nose for as long as possible. As if you're taking a sip into a warm cup of caffeine with no drinking needed.

I miss seeing the brown paper cups. I miss the perforated feeling when you roll your fingers on it. The warm sensation that separates your hand from the boiling coffee. How in every sip you also taste that papery kind of feeling. How you'd just keep wanting to tip the cup over just to get that last drop that won't seem to fall... and watching customers do the same.

I miss the feel-at-home jazzy-bluesy music. The kind that makes you want to relax on the warm cushions when there aren't any customers... and when your manager's not looking. (The kind that just doesn't feel right no matter how many times you play it in your apartment.)

Hell, I miss the smell of the handwash. Just 'coz no other anti-bacterial whatever smells like it.

And well, I miss my people at work.

I guess being so anti-social makes you miss actual human interaction. Am I making sense?

I dunno.

I might be overexerting myself, but what the hell.

I miss part-time. Hehe.

Psychiatrist

DAY 8

The psychiatrist.

Is hot. Hehe.

Is friendly.

Is really smart.

I think we're going to get along well.

What I like about her is she isn't one of those pushy psychiatrists you see in movies.

Neither is she the type who just keeps pushing, "So how do you feel about that?"

She was nice.

Like an actual friend.

We didn't talk about much stuff.

But I did tell her what was going on...

Doctor

DAY 7

The doctors yesterday advised me to see a psychiatrist.

I'm going to one tomorrow.

I dunno. I'm having mixed feelings about it.

Well, I'm not so sure about this whole talking about myself to a stranger thing.

If I had it my way, I wouldn't even go... but Jenna's being pushy.

But I think it might do me some good. I've been all all anti-social these past few weeks. So I guess some human interaction might do me some good... I guess.

Funny.

I used to want to be one when I was in high school.

Anyhow. Jenna came over with the kids today. Wanted to make sure I was all right.

God, they're growing up so fast.

I remember they were so small, I could carry them both at the same time. Now, they're too heavy for me to even carry them.

Jerry told me he wants to become a doctor when he grows up.

Says he wants to take care of his favorite uncle.

Sweet. But I don't know if I'll even...

I miss them already.

Stress

DAY 6

I practically spent all my waking hours in the hospital yesterday.

I told my sister about when I passed out.

She wouldn't stop bugging me. She really picked me up from my apartment, which was really unnecessary.

We went to the emergency room.

Luckily, it was practically empty except for two patients, so I didn't wait long.

There was this one kid. He burned his hand or something.

Quite awful. I felt bad for him.

But he seemed to be brave. It was his mother who kept on crying. I wanted to giver her a hug.

And she was quite young for a mom.

The other seemed stunned.

No reaction or anything. Actually, he was just staring straight into nothing.

As though something hit him.

My turn, they gave me all these tests.

It got really tiring.

Turns out I'm stressing myself out too much. Nothing to big.

I lacked a few vitamins and stuff.

When I got home, I just dropped dead on my bed.

I missed it. I couldn't stand being in the hospital. It's too white. Too boring. Too clean yet at the same time too dirty. Too tight.

Well, I guess my sister just made a big deal out of nothing.

Now, I have to drink all these medicines just for plain old stress.

But you know what, she made me feel good.

Picking me up and all. Made me feel like someone actually cares.

Thanks, Jenna!

Failure

DAY 5

I am NOT having the best day of my life. Thank you very much.

My life's just too fucked up right now.

There's nothing like a call from your parents to tell you how worthless you are.

But I guess I've gotten too used to it to even shout back this time.

Fuck.

OKAY. I already know that I need to get my life together, but I don't need you to keep nagging me about it. It's hard enough already.

Your voice. I honestly CANNOT stand hearing it. It's makes me want to tear of my ears.

It ruins my day. Don't you get it? Is my silence not enough for you to shut up as well?

OKAY. So I'm not as successful as Brian. And I don't have a family like Jenna.

I know that. But I don't give a shit. I don't need to be successful. I don't.

But maybe a little bit more... affection would be nice.

Instead of reminding me how useless I am. I already fucking know that.

It just kills me to hear you tell me... to hear you confirm it.

I'm human. I'm only human.

I feel drained.

I haven't told them. I don't know if I can ever tell them. Maybe they'll find out when I'm gone.

By the way. I passed out on my way up the apartment. Unconscious, just there.

Woke up when this pesky little kid was poking me, asking why I was plopped on the staircase.

I guess I was just too tired.

Park

DAY 4

I was sitting in the park today.

Nothing much to do.

I was just people-watching. It's become a habit of mine these days.

There were these cute little kids. A bit annoying actually.

Arguing whether their teacher liked whose drawing better. Cute.

Funny though they ended off-topic.

And this girl came by.

Quite embarrassing actually. I think I was staring off into space again. She had to wave her hand to get my attention. Dumbass.

She was getting me to jog with her. Or maybe there was something more... I think.

Sweet for a complete stranger. And she was kind of cute, actually. Her hair pulled back in a pony tail. Her skin with a nice tan, a bit sweaty. Her smile really bright... gleaming.

But I declined.

A street sweeper was picking up litter. And god, there was a lot of them.

I suddenly started to appreciate them...

I wonder what it's like in their shoes.

Then, there was this old couple sitting by the benches.
Holding hands. Really sweet. They were just sitting there... in each other's silence.

I don't know why, but it just seemed so beautiful.

But it makes me sad.

It makes me sad to think I'll never have that...

Light

DAY 3

Wow.

I overslept.

Haven't done that in ages.

In fact, I don't even remember the last time I've had more than four hours of sleep.

The feeling. It's so light and warm. And I feel so energetic... for once!

It's crazy.

There's nothing quite like waking up, you head on your soft pillow.

And the afternoon sun making your skin all warm and fuzzy.

You get up, your mind all clear. And you open your radio to a familiar tune.

Cereals for your afternoon breakfast. The crunchy ones!

Oh heaven.

I'll miss days like these.

I feel good.

It could be better, but I guess I'll get by... somehow.

Dying

DAY 2

I went to the doctor's yesterday.

Told me nothing I didn't already know.

I was alone.

While I was in line, my guts were going wild.

Whether it's the sickness or the nerves, I wasn't so sure.

But I wanted to puke.

Strange.

To have your worst dream come true.

To finally have that... confirmed.

Yet nothing. Empty.

Right now, it's just daunting.

Haunting to some point.

I feel sick.

I'm dying.

Sick

DAY 1

I'm sick.

I'm sick, I'm dying soon, and I can't let go of this friggin' feeling.

This feeling that's been eating me alive.

Fuck.

I feel so empty. Like, like I've never felt anything in my life.

I feel dead. I friggin' already feel dead.

I'm lighting up a cigarette.

Sometimes, sometimes, I just want to kill myself.

I want to feel pain. Just to make sure I'm still alive. Just to make sure I'm still here.

Just to make sure that I'm not yet dead.

But it's stupid.

'Cause I'd die anyway.

I'm crumbling.

Hundred Days

Okay.

Hal Castro isn't working out since I've lost inspiration/momentum to write about him.

Goodbye, Hal!

I need a new creative outlet.

As such, I'm starting this new character--whom I have yet to name.

My concept is that he'll be dying in a hundred days.

What's his sickness? I dunno yet.

A hundred days?

Yeah, I'll be blogging about him everyday for a hundred days. See what comes out of it. :D

But it would be cool if you guys can comment on it a lot.

Though not as if I exist... as if you guys were his friend, father, ex-girlfriend, neighbor, long-lost childhood friend, secret admirer, soul mate, I dunno. You make it up. ;)

Nothing too bizare though. Like the officemate of his mother's former boyfriend's long-lost boyfriend's second cousin twice removed. o.O

Advise him. Pin him down. Whatever. :D

If reading this on my multiply throws you off, try it here:

http://foliofivetwo.blogspot.com/

Enjoy... hopefully. :D

--soon to be filled with my cranial milkshakes--